The Lord of the Rings: Mystery of The Shoes
by ElvenRanger
Summary: The Fellowship's shoes mysteriously go missing, Gimli and Legolas beat each other up, and Gandalf has a little secret. Rated PG-13 for the author's dirty mouth.
1. Where are my Shoes?

I came up with this wacky idea a while ago, and I decided to curse ff.net with it's revelation.  
  
It's actually kind a stupid, but I like it, so yeah.  
  
I really hope someone likes this, cause I really did work kinda hard on this, so please be nice and read it.  
  
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When Aragorn woke, he immediately knew something was wrong. He looked around, but the rest of the camp was asleep. Even Legolas, not even really sleeping, but wandering in his memories, seemed unperturbed. He was about to settle back down when he realized that his feet were cold. He went to check his boots, thinking they had a hole in them, when he realized that he did not have his boots on. He was barefoot.  
  
He went over to Legolas, who immediately turned to Aragorn as he approached, his eyes refocusing on his friend.  
  
"What is it, Aragorn?" asked Legolas, seeing his friends troubled look.  
  
"Have you done something with my boots?" the Ranger asked.  
  
"I have done nothing with your boots." said Legolas. Aragorn looked down, and saw that Legolas's light shoes were missing.  
  
"Where are your shoes?" Aragorn asked, frowning.  
  
"Why do you ask? They are right here on... my..." Legolas faltered as he looked down and realized he was also barefoot "What is this madness? I did not take off my shoes last night!"  
  
"Nor did I, Legolas. This is strange." Aragorn said.  
  
Legolas looked to the others. "Look, Aragorn," he said, puzzlement on his face. "No one has their shoes!"  
  
Aragorn sat down heavily. "Except the hobbits, who had none to begin with. We must wake the others, and tell them of our situation."  
  
Eventually everyone was woken, and they sat down to discuss their situation. Gimli was the first to speak.  
  
"Elf, what have you done with my shoes?! This is some plot of yours to get me to quit the Fellowship. You hope that I will run my feet bloody so I will have to fall back!" He cried, pointing at the elf accusingly.  
  
"You fool! Do you think my feet will not bleed as yours will? It will not take as long, for I have worn shoes all of my life, even if they may have been thin as paper. Without my shoes, I will bleed, just as you will." He looked away. "Especially if there are rocks." He said petulantly.  
  
"Do not think yourself the worst of us, Gimli!" said Gandalf. "I am suffering from joint pains in my feet in this cold weather, and I am not in the mood for your petty arguing!" He proceeded to smoke his pipe, arms folded crossly over his chest. As he sat, Sam began to stare at Gandalf feet with a look of morbid curiosity.  
  
"Gandalf... your feet look really weird." Sam said, turning his head to the side.  
  
"Yeah..." Frodo said, staring too. "They've got skin in-between the toes, like a duck."  
  
"Hah!" Gimli said, smiling maliciously. "You're a duckman, Gandalf!"  
  
"I am not!" Gandalf said, eyes blazing.  
  
"Duckman!" Gimli yelled. "Quack quack, Mr. Duckman."  
  
"GIMLI!" Gandalf yelled, standing up so that he towered over the small dwarf. Gimli cringed involuntarily. "SHUT UP!" Gandalf sat back down, crossing his arms again and staring at everyone threateningly.  
  
The hobbit stayed very quiet, for they knew that they had never needed shoes, and that the others secretly hated them for it.  
  
"The hobbits!" said Boromir, pointing at the accused party with a malicious gleam in his eyes. "Why do we not suspect them? They have no need for shoes, why should they be bothered by missing boots and shoes!"  
  
"Boromir calm yourself..."Aragorn started, but Boromir continued to rave. Soon Gimli joined in, and quickly the entire camp, excepting the hobbits, was in an uproar. Legolas and Gimli were actually fighting, with Legolas holding Gimli in a headlock, and Gimli pulling Legolas's hair in response. Then from the hobbits came a sound that made everyone stop and stare at them in disbelief. It had been a small very amused giggle, just audible over the arguing.  
  
"And just what is so funny?" Aragorn asked, his good temper growing thin.  
  
"Nothing." Said Pippin.  
  
"This is a crisis, most certainly it is." Sam said. The other hobbits nodded. Then the giggle came again, and everyone could tell where it had come from. The sound had came from Frodo. Everyone not a hobbit stared at him furiously.  
  
"What?" Frodo said. "It wasn't me."  
  
"Oh really?" Asked Gimli. He walked over to where Frodo had been sleeping, and overturned Frodo's backpack, which the hobbit had been using as a pillow. Boots and shoes tumbled out.  
  
"I didn't put those there!" Frodo said, baffled.  
  
"I would have expected these antics of young Peregrin, but not you, Frodo." Gandalf said gravely as he put his boots back on. "I am very disappointed."  
  
"But..." Frodo said, then sighed as the others ignored him and packed up the camp.  
  
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So. What do you think? Good, bad, funny?  
  
Tell please. Which means in layman's terms means.  
  
Review! 


	2. Trees

Wow, I can't believe how many people actually read this story. It amuses me. What doesn't amuse me is that everyone made the assumption that Frodo did in fact do it. To my knowledge I have not changed anyone's character, so does Frodo really seem like the lying type?

Right, I thought not.

Anyway, I hope you like this chapter. I thought it was funny, but then, I thought it was funny.

Yeah.

Disclaimer: I do not own the Tolkien franchise. That, unfortunately, belongs to Tolkien's cheap ass grandson.

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After a long day of traveling, the Fellowship decided to make camp. Boromir, Merry, and Pippin went to get firewood, while Aragorn and Legolas went hunting. At the camp, Gandalf and Gimli were deep in conversation, while Sam cut up vegetables he had picked up along the way to be grilled. Frodo was sitting on the edge of camp, stewing.

He had spent the entire day trying to figure out how those shoes had gotten into his pack. He hadn't woken during the night, and he thought he would have been disturbed if someone had put all those hard uncomfortable objects into the pack he had been using as a pillow. He knew he hadn't done anything to the other's shoes. Yet they didn't believe him.

And where had that giggling come from? Frodo sighed, and went to help Sam with dinner.

~~~~~

When Boromir and the other hobbits got back, Boromir was yelling at Merry and Pippin, who looked as though they could burst out laughing any moment.

"You could have told me!" he yelled at them. He looked like his nose had been bleeding, and his eyes were blackening beautifully. 

"What's going on?" Gimli asked, looking curiously at Boromir's nose. Aragorn and Legolas, who had returned with a pair of fat pheasants, gave Boromir questioning looks.

Boromir blushed "Nothing rea-"

"Boromir walked into a tree branch." Pippin said and dissolved into laughter, Merry joining him.

"It was -hahahah- right at nose height, too, heeheehahaha!" Merry said.

"You saw it and you didn't tell me!" Boromir said, his face flushed with anger.

"Yes,-whoohahahaha- we did!" Pippin said. "We said,-hee hee-'Duck' and -hee hee- you said -hahahah- 'Where?' Whoohahahahahaha!" The entire camp dissolved into gales of laughter. 

~~~~~

That night Legolas took first watch. For a long while, he merely sat, looking at the stars, thinking of nothing in particular. Then, sometime after midnight, Legolas stood and stretched, and then walked over to Gimli, who had the second watch. As he walked he noticed something odd. Usually all the hobbits slept next to each other, so they looked like four little bumps on the ground. But one of the bumps was missing. The one that was missing was one of the bumps in the middle. And if he knew the hobbits right, the two bumps in the middle should be Frodo and Pippin. So one of those two were wandering around at night. And he hadn't heard them.

"I know I am not going deaf." Legolas said to himself, but wiggled a finger in both ears just to make sure. He walked over to Gimli.

"What's that Mr. Bunny Rabbit?" the Dwarf was muttering in his sleep.

Legolas stifled a laugh and shook the Dwarf. "A minute more ma." Gimli muttered, and rolled onto his back. Legolas sighed, then a malicious grin crept onto his face. He carefully reached down and held Gimli's nose. After a few seconds the Dwarf woke up, gasping for air. He turned to Legolas, who was trying to look concerned and failing miserably.

"What did you do that for?" Gimli whispered furiously.

"I didn't do anything," Legolas said, eyes wide and innocent. "I came over here to wake you for your watch, and you weren't breathing, so I shook you and you took that big gasping breath and woke up. I think you have a sleeping disorder."

"No one your age should look that innocent," Gimli grumbled, but got up.

"I'm going to take a look around before I rest," Legolas said to him as he walked away.

"Oh that's right," Gimli muttered, as he sat down in front of the fire and poked it. "You don't sleep." 

~~~~~

Legolas hadn't seen the missing hobbit in the camp, so he assumed it was in the forest. _Not it,_ _he, _Legolas corrected himself. The little copse of trees was quiet, except for the occasional nightingale singing in the trees, and the night sounds of small rodents in the underbrush. 

Then he saw a shadow in the trees ahead, coming toward the camp. Soundlessly Legolas climbed into the lower branches of the tree above him, becoming one with the shadows. He could not longer see the shadow, but he could hear it, it's steps cracking branches and twigs in the undergrowth. 

Legolas waited until the shadow was right underneath him, and then he jumped down, landing silently behind the small figure, who was obviously a hobbit. "What are you doing out so late?"

Legolas asked. 

The hobbit started violently, and turned quickly. With the aid of his keen eyes and the moonlight, Legolas could see that it was Pippin, looking sleepy-eyed and tousel-haired. "Legolas!" Pippin said, gasping. "Don't do that to me!"

"I'll ask you again," said Legolas. "What are you doing outside of camp this late?"

"Going to the bathroom!" Pippin said irritably. "I am allowed to pee aren't I?"

Legolas blushed. "Yes, of course, I'm sorry, I-"

"Whatever." Pippin said, and walked in the direction of camp, yawning. A red-faced Legolas followed after him.

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There, that should have made you laugh. And if it didn't it's not my problem that you're a weirdo.

****

Reader Response (yay!)

Chimbo Baggins: I love enthusiastic readers! And I hope this one was funny too!

Thorn Dew'Pearled: You'll find out who stole the shoes when the story gets there.

Elf_Watcher: Believe me, those stories annoy me as much as they annoy you!

Jillian: Why does everyone think Frodo took the shoes?

NoComment: I loved that! "!!? whaa?? duck-mage?" That was so funny. And I don't care if you prefer Rhone&Nori, I like this story!

Tevish Szat: *Blink Blink* Did you read the story? I said very specifically that the giggle came from Frodo. Pay attention Tevish!

Ryu-Kat: That was my objective. I was trying to put them in a ridiculous situation and have them be perfectly serious about it all. That kinda fell apart in this chapter.

Well, I'd appreciate it immensely if you all reviewed, but I know that not all you are especially dependable.

Come on.

Prove me wrong.


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